So denied so I lied

xcantxletxgox @ 2009-04-29T09:07:00

2009-04-29T14:08:18Z

Okay, so after spending the last few days looking at all kinds of haircuts on all kinds of diff websites.... I saved 162 pictures of different cuts that I liked. I narrowed it down to the ones I REALLY like. All that's left to do is pick which one I'm really going to go with. Keeping in mind that I'm wanting something that's EASY to style, if I want to style it...yet doesn't NEED to be styled to look good!

This is me NOW:

And here's a table of the POSSIBILITES:


1	2	3

4	5	6

7	8	9

10	11	12

So keeping everything we've talked about over the past few days in mind... which of these do you think would work best on me?

Make Weed Legal!

2009-04-26T00:40:04Z

http://community.livejournal.com/drugwar/106878.html

My argument of why pot should be LEGAL! Check it out :)

Hair Cut

2009-04-24T02:12:48Z

Trying to decide how to cut my hair...

This is me now....

These are my choices...

Worried About Finances

2009-04-23T20:08:07Z

I'm really starting to get fucking worried as hell over our financial situation. Starting this week, it's been 7 weeks since he's been properly paid! He's gotten a little money here & there, but nothing steady or regular.

It's all due to that shit with these 2 jobs they had been doing. On one of the jobs, there were 2 contracts. The work for the first one should've only taken 1 week max to finish, which...they got paid for that one. Then the second contract on that job, they had to repeatedly do over the painting and whatnot because the guy was just being too particular & I think they said he was bi-polar. I actually saw it for myself. Richard painted around these windows/doors. The dude was talking about "they're EXCELLENT" ... the very next day "Can you re-paint these doors/windows?" ......... Talk about ridiculous!

Then there was this guy's son-in-law who lives in Arlington which they'd been working for for AWHILE. They had to stop his job because he couldn't pay them cause he had money issues and all this shit. And for whatever reason, this dude is actually going to attempt to SUE THEM for their poor work or avoidance...or some shit. He's gonna look like a dumbass and Steve's counter-suing him, but still...

So yeah, these two guys really fucked them over cause they weren't getting paid and they were working for 3-4wks without getting money, except a little here and there with some extra side jobs they'd managed to land.

But yeah...we're talking 7 whole weeks without proper pay. He might get paid today if they finish up what they had left on this fencing job but when we were talking about it last night, Richard didn't seem too sure that they'd be done with it all today.

Plus I'm still worried about us getting our own place so we REALLY have space for this babyboy. I mean, I'm trying to put faith in Steve, but I know how he's done Jon in the past and it's starting to seem like he might be doing the same thing to Richard. And Richard always tries so hard to see the good in people & give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm just trying to figure out how we're gonna make all this shit work out.

Steve's been trying to help us find a place to live, tho, along with himself since he got kicked out of his house... There's stuff on craig's list about trading labor for [x] amount of month's free rent. Which will be good... but it'll only work out if Richard's getting steady pay again so we'll be able to pay the rent once the free thing is gone.

I'm just scared...cause there's not much I can do now. If I thought there was a chance that anyone might hire me, I'd go try to find a job so I knew we would have at least a little bit every week without this hit and miss bullshit. But I'm 6 months pregnant... (a) There's not a lot of jobs I could do right now anyway (b) People would be less likely to hire me now, too...

I'd babysit or something, but I can't cause his Mom would never go for it. I mean, we're in her house, she's here all day, she's 62... she wouldn't wanna deal with it, you know? And I understand that.

I just dunno what to do! I wanna do something to help out, but I can't think of anything that I could do or anywhere to go that I could get hired (besides a daycare, which I really don't wanna work at a daycare...). And I'm just really starting to freak out some cause this boy will be here in about 3 months...

xcantxletxgox @ 2009-04-22T10:07:00

2009-04-22T15:07:13Z

Well, unless it's something else entirely, which I doubt it is, I guess Richard's little game with Tiffany is working.

"in 2-3 week i wont exist.. my life is over sorry. there no need for me to live anymore..."

was on her page this morning. The sad thing is...this has all come up over a matter of DAYS. Literally. Like...wow if that's really her reaction to him not talking to her for 3 or 4 days...WOW...

My Phone & My Weekend

2009-04-19T23:27:54Z

My phone has taken on for the team. It is no longer with us lol

Richard changed the brakes on my car & when he went to test drive it around the block, he forgot he had my phone on top of it.

The neighbor kids brought him the phone, the battery & the SIM card, but we're pretty sure they stole the SD memory card that was in the phone with all my music & pictures on it... they better be glad I just got all those pictures off of there not long ago, or they'd have one severely pissed off pregnant woman on their hands!

I'm not too worried about it, I have insurance on my phone & at least we have the SIM card. But Richard is kinda beatin' himself up over it. :.. I told him not to worry about it & that it's not a big deal, but he says it's just one of those things that makes him feel like he constantly tears shit up :(

So, he had today off & he's got tomorrow off too! I'm excited. I actually get him to myself for a whole weekend :D That's so awesome. It hasn't happened in a long time. I'm just loving the time I get to spend with him like this. Just us, together... it's amazingly awesome. I love this boy more than anything in the world. He is my world, my universe, my everything. <3

The Breakdown

2009-04-12T20:08:38Z

I have come to realize over these last several days how immature all of this is & I'm totally done with Tiffany Loveland. She is cut out of my life entirely. I have made my page private & blocked her on myspace. I've added her number to both my "Reject List" (for calls) & "Block List" (for texts) on my phone. The only way she has left to contact me now is the house phone or in person, both of which I doubt she'll try.

She even tried to say she didn't mean to be so mean in the voicemail she left me. She apologized for her tone of voice, then turned around and said "but not for the words hehe", which totally negates any sort of apology she made in the first place!

She says I need to be locked up in a mental hospital and that she's gonna call one when the baby's born. She says s he has 4 witnesses, I guess to attest to the fact that I'm mentally insane? I'm not sure who these people might be or what she might have them say. I hope this is all just a scare tactic to freak me out but I'm ready to fight this in court if that's what it comes down to.

Honestly, I don't think any of the stuff that she may have--if she was smart enough to save any of the stuff I put up before it was deleted--that whatever she has will only prove that was was instigating things with her, but not suggest that I am of a bad mental state.

Since I've cut all contact with her, I may not even go on with the restraining order. Unless she finds a new way to contact me & threaten me and whatnot.

The Truth

2009-04-12T16:01:19Z

Straight up real honest answer: Do you think I'm being a drama whore over all this shit with Tiffany?

Honestly, if you know me, you know I really hate drama & I try to avoid it as much as possible. This whole situation is just...ugh! I'd really rather just have both our numbers changed, have hers blocked on both our phones & drop all connections/ties to her out of both of our lives completely. But I'm not sure what to do! He's so focused on this little mission of his to make her feel as shitty as she made him feel in the past that any time I try to talk to him about it & explain why I'd much rather have her just completely dropped out of both our lives, it just blows up into this huge stupid fight. And I'd rather the situation be out in the open where I know what's going on instead of like it was before when he was sneaking around and lying about it. So I just dunno what the fuck to do!

Love, Life, Drama, UGH!

2009-04-05T03:12:10Z

Well, let's see... It's been a REALLY fucking long time since I've been on here. According to my last entry's date, it's been over a year! I guess you could say that life just sort of took over for awhile. I'm not even gonna try to catch you up on everything that's happened between the last time I posted & now, cause that'd take way too long. I'll give you some cliff notes, tho. And an update on the most recent situation...

[x] I was living with my parents last time I was on here, I think?

[x] Well, I got back together with my ex, Richard

[x] Moved in with him at his mom's house
[-] I can't stand our roommate, Chris....he's 36 years old and living on the floor of our bedroom. He doesn't have a job (only works every now and then thru a furniture company), no ID, his truck has been run down for almost a year now, I think, with him repeatedly jacking money out of his own mother saying it's to help get his truck running when he really just blows through the money on BULLSHIT. All he does is bitch, whine, complain about the fact that his life is shitty, yet he never REALLY does anything to change it. He's a pathetic waste of space and he needs to get the hell out.

[x] The girl I used to call my best friend (Jessica) does not talk to me anymore. I guess it's just one of those friendships that fell apart cause we were going such different ways in our lives, I guess?

[x] Got a new brother-figure & best friend. Jon & Reba. Jon's my man's oldest friend from high school & Reba's his wife. They're both really amazing!!

[x] I'm engaged! to the most wonderful man on the face of the earth, no matter what anyone else may think/say <3

[x] And pregnant! I'm about 22 weeks (5 & a half months) along now <3 It's a boy! We're both really excited!! No names picked out so far, tho

[x] I haven't worked a job since Jan when I quit my sales associate job at Forever 21 due to a really SUPER nuerotic manager, I'm starting to feel really useless lately. I mean, I do things around the house, but it doesn't seem like enough. Especially with the problems that Richard's been having lately with his job & lack of payment *sigh* So, I've been thinking about, despite the fact that I'm 5 & a half months pregnant, going to try to find a job. Something easy, like working a drive thru window somewhere, unless I can get a receptionist job somewhere through a temp agency. My best figuring is...any contribution to the money he & I are making is better than the none at all status I'm currently sitting at, right? Even if I'm working part time and only 3 days a week. I could work on mostly saving money while he takes care of our basic monetary needs, right?

[x] I'm going back to school soon, too! Finally got something I think might be a descent career and I'll be done in 2 months. I'll be a certified pharmachy technitian once it's all said and done! :D

[x]I'm still a total pothead, though not so much while I'm pregnant. I miss drinking (I wanna get drunk so bad!!) and pregnant or not, I'm not popping pills like I used to. I still want some tabs. Rollin' balls when the baby's born & I can do it--and no, I won't have the baby with me, my mom will watch the baby & be under the impression I'm getting wasted because I don't get to drink on my 21st birthday!!

[x] Oh! That's another thing!!! My birthday is April 27th. And I'll be 21 and have to have a dry birthday! How sad :( not like I've never drank before, but...I'd be able to buy it for me!!! lol Oh well. That's what my fiancee's birthday is for :D

I think that pretty much covers everything big and major that's happened lately. Thanks!!! if you read through it all and comment :) Means a lot to me, really.

Life Stolen in the blink of an eye

2008-03-31T16:50:43Z

So, I was at work on Saturday and my wallet got stolen...

Important contents: *40 bucks
*drivers license
*school ID
*debit card
*checking & savings account numbers
*social security card

Talk about shitty ass luck....

I closed my bank accounts this morning, about 20 minutes ago actually... so they can't do anything there, at least.

Mom's getting a copy of my birth certificate, with that I can get my license & hopefully figure something about my SSID...

Other than that, I'm pretty much good. I'm only in school for 2 more months. I'm not even gonna bother getting teh school ID. I never use it for anything. The only things you use it for are school events (which I don't go to) and checking out books from the library (which I don't do lol)

So yeah...aside from that.....not much else going on lately.

Tattoo

2008-03-25T15:48:42Z

I finally got the tattoo I want totally planned. It's so kick ass.

It's not EXACTLY like that, but I can't draw, I have to get someone else to do it. I have a keychain that has the wings & font for the word I want that I'll with me when I get it done.

And before anyone assumes it... no. Chance is NOT a guy's name. I'm not retarted. Tattoos are forever and I'm not about to put some guy's name on me for all eternity. I mean chance as in taking chances.

And if you're wondering why I picked that... It's got meaning to me. I pretty much live my life one chance after another and I wouldn't change it for anything cause I wouldn't be me without taking chances.

Whether that makes sense to you or not, I don't care, it's perfect for me.

So anyway, what do you guys think? :)

Stripping?

2008-03-17T01:22:39Z

So yeah, I've randomly thought: Being a stripper would be fun, if the place weren't trashy. tehe.

Too bad I can't dance. :( If I could move my hips, I'd have it made. Cause I could totally get over the confidence thing for that kinda money, dude... and plus, my confidence is only downed cause I want smaller thighs & a flatter stomach and I could fix that, right? Hell, it might even boost with that kinda job ;)

Anyone else ever consider that? haha

What Do I Want?

2008-03-12T18:24:37Z

I've realized recently I have like...no priorities in life any more. I don't know what I want out of life, seriously.

I know I want to write a book & get it published, but I've never managed to finish a book.

Other than that...all I know about what I want out of life is to get out of this town. I don't even know what I want to do career-wise. I've been in school long enough by now that I should know. Hell, if It'd been a straight-shot, I'd almost be DONE with school by now, if I just knew what the hell I wanna do.

I mean, I want something better out of my life. I don't want to just spend my life working at fast food joints or as a waitress or something... But I don't know WHAT to do with my life...

I think...I'm gonna finish out this semester, then stop going to school for awhile. Just work a job, pay off my car, get an apt with my sister, and try to figure something out about my life.

Rehab Update + Drug Use Timeline

2008-03-11T15:51:57Z

Well, I talked to my stepdad. He took it pretty cool. He said he's not gonna say anything to my mom or my grandmother for now.

I gotta talk to the finanical aid here at school and see if it's gonna affect my grant or anything. He seems sorta supportive, like...if it's what I really think I need. But at the same time, he said "If it's gonna mess your school up...you're gonna have to suck it up and quit on your own." which...uhm...no? Cause that didn't work... :\

Like they don't even know the whole story. All they know that I've done is ex & pot. Cause before when I moved to Dallas, that's what I got into. And they don't know all the other shit I've done since I've moved back home... and I'm probably never gonna tell them that.

I'll be straight up with the people at rehab, but they gotta keep that shit confidential, right? So yeah. I mean, I'll tell them about it all cause they gotta know anyhow.

Sometime in '05 or '06

Alcohol - I don't really have a problem with it at all. I mean, seriously. I used to drink more often than I do now, but even then it wasn't much. But ever since I found real drugs, alcohol doesn't do much for me or mean much to me anymore.

Summer '07

Riddlin - This is what REALLY started my drug usage. I bought like 20 (or maybe it was 40?) pills at one time and popped 2 or 3 at a time. I was sharing them with 2 friends. I liked it, but after I ran out that first time, I didn't bother with it any more.

Ecstasy - Gonna be the hardest thing to drop. This is the one that made me start using on a more regular basis. It's the best thing in the world to me. I can name a lot of the diff types I've taken too.
Blue smilies
Yellow X-Boxes
Yellow Rubber Duckies
Green Spades
Pink Motorollas
Blue Underarmors
Green Addidas
Green Star of David
White Smlies
Green Naked Ladies

Acid (LSA) - Only did it once, pretty neutral about it

Fall/Winter'07

Pot - Gonna be the easiest thing to drop. I've only been smoking for about 2-3 months, seriously. I've only had my own weed 3 or 4 times in my life. Dimes & dubs, only.

Overdosed on Robotussin Gelcaps - I'm pretty neutral about this. I've done it a few times and it feels pretty awesome when it hits, but I could never make myself down the syrup, so the downside always was t hat it made me gag when I took all 20 caps, and it made me sick to my stomach, but not bad enough that I couldn't ignore it easily.

Coke - The high's not long enough to be worth the money, seriously. I like doing it though. I think I just like the act of snorting the line. It's weird... But it'd be a really amazing drug if the high would last longer.

Pot - Gonna be the easiest thing to drop, seriously. I've been smoking for about 2-3 months, only ever bought 20s, only ever had 3 of those in that time. Pot isn't a big deal to me at all.

Hydrocodone - Once or twice. I only remember doing it once, and it wasn't that great. But I apparently had loratabs over that 4 day binge and they're a form of hydrocodone

Xanax - Gonna be harder, but not too bad I don't think? I'm not addicted, but it's fucking cool. Weird, but I really like popping these, even though they aren't an upper and that's usually what I'm into...

Meth - Never did it (except the ex tabs that were cut with it), but I've been thinking over the last few weeks about wanting to smoke it, even though I've seen what the addiction does to you. But I just really love uppers....

Seems kinda odd that my use got WORSE when I moved back home, AWAY from the girl that got me started into all of this in the first place...

Writer's Block: I'm Ashamed of...

2008-03-10T22:18:56Z

What are you ashamed of?

View 500 Answers

The person I've become.

So....rehab....

2008-03-09T20:58:28Z

So...yeah...I was fucked up for 4 days straight. Pot, ecstacy, four bars, loratabs. Thursday doesn't exist for me at all. I went from Wednesday straight to Friday. I spent money I don't have, done drugs I don't remember getting, and was pretty much 100% GONE from Wednesday through Sat. night. Oh and at several points yesterday, I wanted to die.

I've pretty much come down to the decision that the ex tabs we had were METH based. Which is something I was DEFINITELY not expecting. I expected speed-based. And yeah, I was talking to some friends and judging on things I know and etc..and pretty much I think it was meth. I was paranoid as fuck and it was so not fun. The paranoia started Sat @ about 5pm and lasted til Sun @ about 11 am. talk about suckage.

But yeah...So pretty much all that shit has made me decide...I really need rehab. Pot will be the easiest thing to give up, cause it's not that big a deal for me anyway. It's gonna be the ex and the pills that're gonna be hard to give away....

I'm scared shitless. My sis is being pretty chill right now, but I'm scared about what my parents might do. I don't wanna hear my grandmother talk shit. I don't want my parents to flip shit. I hope they don't kick me out. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I guess I'll find out.

That Special Guy :)

2008-03-03T19:19:50Z

Well, for once in what seems like a horribly long time, I am happy again. And let me tell you, it's the most amazing feeling ever.

What's the cause of this sudden happiness? Getting back with my ex-boyfriend, Richard. He's simply the most amazing guy ever.

*I just get all giddy and stuff and I don't even care if I seem stupid cause it's just amazing.
*When we're apart, all I want, more than anything, is to see him again & I miss him the second we're not together.
*I can just lay with him and doing nothing but watch t.v. all day (and I don't even like t.v. that much!)
*I love it when he holds me, it's the most amazing thing in the universe.
*He makes me feel protected and that's the best thing. He's the first one that ever made me feel like that and it's one of those things I like...have to have now.
*He's sweet and it seems like he can't stop touching me, even in little ways, like when we're laying together, he'll put his hand on my hip or something. It's awesome.
*Not to mention, again with the protection thing: I know if something happens to me, he'll be ready to beat someone's ass in a second for it lol
*I can't even describe it all, honestly. It's just..when I'm with him, it's this really amazing feeling and I fucking love it. And he's honestly the only one that's ever completely made me feel this way.

The more I think about it, the less I think I was ever in love with Jack. It's just not the same when I think about him as it is with Richard. I mean, there was something there with Jack...but I don't think it was as big as I thought it was.

With Jack...I think it was more....he was a smooth talker, sort of. And in the end, he just doesn't give a fuck about girls like me. What he wants is someone who he can fuck and send home when he doesn't want them around. And I'm just not that girl. So you know what, FUCK HIM.

Richard isn't like that. Period. Anyone can give a girl what they wanna hear, but to really be a smooth talker, you've gotta be able to give it to her AND make her believe it. I <3 him...but the boy just ain't a smooth talker. And I'm perfectly okay with that. So he may not be the best with words, I don't care, neither am I.

Crazy?

2008-02-25T19:49:38Z

So, I've kinda been toying with the idea, once I get some money behind me, of maybe dealing some. Just ex tabs, nothing big. But yeah. Just something for some extra money, maybe... I've done it once, when I bought a 50 pack. Had $190 in the first night. It was amazing. I could do it again. But I'm not sure if I want to? I dunno. We'll see, I guess.

And I'm not even talking like becoming a big dealer or doing it all the time. Like I said, probably occasionally, when I have the money, just to make a little extra money. Though, gotta admit, I could get a lot of money in this town with it. Hardly anyone ever has ex around here, so I could probably sell for $15-20 at cheapest. :)

And if I could get a 50 pack at the price I got before (3 bills), if I sold 40 (I'm keeping at least 10 for myself haha) at 15 that'd be $300 profit, and if I could sell 40 @ 20, that'd be $500 profit. Shit. I am definitely gonna have to consider this, if I can find a reliable person to get tabs from myself.

Just thoughts

2008-02-25T16:57:04Z

So, I think my life is better with drugs than without. I know that sounds completely horrible & stupid & whatever, but I think it's the truth, plain & simple.

Before drugs, I was sorta happy... in a way. But not the sort of happy I want to be. The kind of happy I always wished for. It was..."Okay, everything sucks and I'm gonna make it work" happy and...I don't like that.

With drugs, I'm 100% completely happy. It's a whole new world. Everything's so different and it's pretty much amazing. And honestly, it's not just "Drugs" in general. It's ecstacy. That shit makes me the happiest person in the world. And it's not just when I'm on it. I don't have that depression come down that I hear a lot of people get from ex, I just feel chill and like I don't give a fuck. And not giving a fuck is a pretty nice feeling, if I do say so myself.

I worry SO much ALL the time. That's why I like ex. It just makes me happy and everything amazing when I'm on it and when I'm off, I don't care. And if you really understood how much I worry and freak out and shit, you'd understand how awesome it is to just not care for awhile.

I definitely want this back again.
Just wait til I really get rollin' in some money.
Tabs, here I come.

P.S. sorry for updating a billion times today.

General Life Update

2008-02-25T16:55:52Z

This is just my list of things to do in the near future....

*Get a new phone - mine is gone. not sure what happened, it just decided to hate me. When I tried to plug it in, it said "Unable to charge" and that was that. Oh well, mom's paying me back for the radiator ($187 and something), so with that + about 85 bucks from checks over the next few weeks... I'll have This phone And when my parents' 2 year contract ends, I'm breaking off their plan and getting my own.

*Pay off my car - Should be done by August/September. Thank god. That's $280 more a month that I'll have to save/pay bills/play with/etc... :D

*Finish school - Even though I think school is stupid & I'd honestly rather just quit (I'm actually skipping today, as I type), I know I need to finish so I can be certified and blahblahblah. All I'm gonna do is be a bookkeeper and it's not like this is my passion. It's just a job. I'll be done by Summer of '09. I keep telling myself that as long as I can get through this, everything will be okay. After this, I can do whatever I want. Live wherever I want. Talk to/hang out with/be friends with anyone I want. I keep telling myself everything will be perfect after this...

Depression test score

2008-02-25T15:19:16Z

Well, we all know I've been thinking about talking to someone about depression/anxiety.
I was on This site and they had a test about depression.

This was my result.

They didn't have one for anxiety, but eh. I'm pretty sure the panic attacks are proof enough for that.

Fun times

2008-02-14T16:28:56Z

Well, my middle man called me last night and tells me he can get me 13 four bars for 40. Right as I was getting those, my other middle man calls me and says he can get me footballs for 2 a piece! How awesome is that? haha

Well, I DID get the 13 fourbars. No footballs, though. The guy they were gonna get them from changed the price on them 2 or 3 times and they called it out to be bullshit. Thankfully, mah friends ain't gonan rip me off :D

Gave one to my sis and one to the guy that was gonna hook me up with the footballs and I took one last night. It hit my sis in no time. And probably Nathan too. I felt pretty chilled and relaxed. Little buzzed. It was pretty cool. Definitely worth it.

I just took one now and I'll probably take another one at work.

Cassidy told me next time Ihave something, I gotta share. But dude... she gave me hydrocodne, yeah, but it was 2 pills for $5. And I gave her the last of my weed free. I'm not gonna give her any of my pretty little pills without some cash, which I doubt she'll go for.

Not to mention, yeah, I'm taking some of these recreationally, but after the one I might pop at work today, I'm gonna save the rest so I can take them when I start a panic attack. They kick in pretty quick, so we'll see if they'll work. If they do...well, then I won't mind paying for a script. But if they aren't gonna help, I don't wanna pay out my ass for one, ya know?

I still need to get around to finding out where I need to go to talk to a doctor about getting tested for that stuff. Blah. I hate feeling like I need medication to be normal. Seriously. wtf? Oh well. I'll have benzos prescribed :D

Fucked up Beyond Repair

2008-02-12T16:14:22Z

Well, I've come to an...interesting realization last night.

I want to go back to dating dealers.

Weird, right? I dunno. It's just....things are easier when I can get fucked up on a somewhat steady basis, kinda whenever I want. And I'm also tired of unreliable middle men. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but if I have to go through you to get to your guy, it shouldn't be that hard to if your guy is that unreliable, well, he's a pretty shitty dealer anyway and why do I wanna make deals with him if he's that shitty?

I mean, I don't want to date a big hardcore sells to everyone and everything, is in & out of jail every few months kinda dealer. I wanna date a smaller scale dealer, but not so small that nothing is at our fingertips. I like pot, benzos, ex and I might do some coke very rarely. So as long as I can get to that relatively easily, I think I'd be all right. I'm mostly into the ex & benzos, so those are usually pretty simple to get, most of the time.

But yeah, I mean, I loveloveLOVED my homegirl's old dealer. He was amazing. His shit was always good and he was a one stop shop. You name it, he had it or he could get it. And he was reliable. I miss reliablity. I guess you tend to be more reliable in a big city than you are in a small town. Damn small town life. Fuck that shit. I need to move back to the city.

Anyway...yeah. Just kinda a weird realization I had the other night. I wanna date a dealer again. You may think I'm crazy, but whatever. I really don't give a fuck. I've come to accept that even though dealers/addicts/drugs were the sole part of my life for 4-5 months that it's taken over and it's just part of me now. If you can't accept that, then maybe you shouldn't talk to me.

But yeah. I've accepted that I'm fucked up beyond repair. I know there are people that can have drugs in their life for a small time and drop it all with no problem. But I'm not one of those people. It was there, constantly, for almost half a year. And it was amazing. It made my life interesting. And I just liked it, in general. I want to go back to it. And believe me, when I get out of this shitty town, I probably will. But this time, I can be a little more responsible with it.

Point is: I wanna date a dealer. They're almost always hot as fuck, and plus they're interesting people in general.

Anonymity = Amazing

2008-02-07T16:43:23Z

Well, if that ain't some mother fuckin' bullshit. Apparently, all my friends are tired of hearing me complain about being single all the time. Well, I guess the fact that I'm pretty much depressed beause of it doesn't mean shit, huh? Oh well. They aren't gonna have to worry about shit from me any more cause I just won't talk to them unless I have something nice/happy/fun/funny/good/etc... to say. Which, with the way I feel and the way my life is going right now, won't be much. Oh well. They didn't wanna hear it, so I'm not gonna give it to 'em.

Good thing I have this journal, still, though. Anonymity is clearly the best thing EVER invented. Because I can still come here and bitch about anything and everything I want. And no one will ever have to hear a word of it.

So sick

2008-02-06T01:03:55Z

I'm so sick of being me.

I wish I could be someone else for awhile...