Okay, so after spending the last few days looking at all kinds of haircuts on all kinds of diff websites.... I saved 162 pictures of different cuts that I liked. I narrowed it down to the ones I REALLY like. All that's left to do is pick which one I'm really going to go with. Keeping in mind that I'm wanting something that's EASY to style, if I want to style it...yet doesn't NEED to be styled to look good!

( Behind here )

So keeping everything we've talked about over the past few days in mind... which of these do you think would work best on me?

http://community.livejournal.com/drugwar/106878.html

My argument of why pot should be LEGAL! Check it out :)

Trying to decide how to cut my hair... ( Here are my choices )

I'm really starting to get fucking worried as hell over our financial situation. Starting this week, it's been 7 weeks since he's been properly paid! He's gotten a little money here & there, but nothing steady or regular.

It's all due to that shit with these 2 jobs they had been doing. On one of the jobs, there were 2 contracts. The work for the first one should've only taken 1 week max to finish, which...they got paid for that one. Then the second contract on that job, they had to repeatedly do over the painting and whatnot because the guy was just being too particular & I think they said he was bi-polar. I actually saw it for myself. Richard painted around these windows/doors. The dude was talking about "they're EXCELLENT" ... the very next day "Can you re-paint these doors/windows?" ......... Talk about ridiculous!

Then there was this guy's son-in-law who lives in Arlington which they'd been working for for AWHILE. They had to stop his job because he couldn't pay them cause he had money issues and all this shit. And for whatever reason, this dude is actually going to attempt to SUE THEM for their poor work or avoidance...or some shit. He's gonna look like a dumbass and Steve's counter-suing him, but still...

So yeah, these two guys really fucked them over cause they weren't getting paid and they were working for 3-4wks without getting money, except a little here and there with some extra side jobs they'd managed to land.

But yeah...we're talking 7 whole weeks without proper pay. He might get paid today if they finish up what they had left on this fencing job but when we were talking about it last night, Richard didn't seem too sure that they'd be done with it all today.

Plus I'm still worried about us getting our own place so we REALLY have space for this babyboy. I mean, I'm trying to put faith in Steve, but I know how he's done Jon in the past and it's starting to seem like he might be doing the same thing to Richard. And Richard always tries so hard to see the good in people & give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm just trying to figure out how we're gonna make all this shit work out.

Steve's been trying to help us find a place to live, tho, along with himself since he got kicked out of his house... There's stuff on craig's list about trading labor for [x] amount of month's free rent. Which will be good... but it'll only work out if Richard's getting steady pay again so we'll be able to pay the rent once the free thing is gone.

I'm just scared...cause there's not much I can do now. If I thought there was a chance that anyone might hire me, I'd go try to find a job so I knew we would have at least a little bit every week without this hit and miss bullshit. But I'm 6 months pregnant... (a) There's not a lot of jobs I could do right now anyway (b) People would be less likely to hire me now, too...

I'd babysit or something, but I can't cause his Mom would never go for it. I mean, we're in her house, she's here all day, she's 62... she wouldn't wanna deal with it, you know? And I understand that.

I just dunno what to do! I wanna do something to help out, but I can't think of anything that I could do or anywhere to go that I could get hired (besides a daycare, which I really don't wanna work at a daycare...). And I'm just really starting to freak out some cause this boy will be here in about 3 months...

Well, unless it's something else entirely, which I doubt it is, I guess Richard's little game with Tiffany is working.

"in 2-3 week i wont exist.. my life is over sorry. there no need for me to live anymore..."

was on her page this morning. The sad thing is...this has all come up over a matter of DAYS. Literally. Like...wow if that's really her reaction to him not talking to her for 3 or 4 days...WOW...

My phone has taken on for the team. It is no longer with us lol

Richard changed the brakes on my car & when he went to test drive it around the block, he forgot he had my phone on top of it.

The neighbor kids brought him the phone, the battery & the SIM card, but we're pretty sure they stole the SD memory card that was in the phone with all my music & pictures on it... they better be glad I just got all those pictures off of there not long ago, or they'd have one severely pissed off pregnant woman on their hands!

I'm not too worried about it, I have insurance on my phone & at least we have the SIM card. But Richard is kinda beatin' himself up over it. :.. I told him not to worry about it & that it's not a big deal, but he says it's just one of those things that makes him feel like he constantly tears shit up :(

So, he had today off & he's got tomorrow off too! I'm excited. I actually get him to myself for a whole weekend :D That's so awesome. It hasn't happened in a long time. I'm just loving the time I get to spend with him like this. Just us, together... it's amazingly awesome. I love this boy more than anything in the world. He is my world, my universe, my everything. <3

I have come to realize over these last several days how immature all of this is & I'm totally done with Tiffany Loveland. She is cut out of my life entirely. I have made my page private & blocked her on myspace. I've added her number to both my "Reject List" (for calls) & "Block List" (for texts) on my phone. The only way she has left to contact me now is the house phone or in person, both of which I doubt she'll try.

She even tried to say she didn't mean to be so mean in the voicemail she left me. She apologized for her tone of voice, then turned around and said "but not for the words hehe", which totally negates any sort of apology she made in the first place!

She says I need to be locked up in a mental hospital and that she's gonna call one when the baby's born. She says s he has 4 witnesses, I guess to attest to the fact that I'm mentally insane? I'm not sure who these people might be or what she might have them say. I hope this is all just a scare tactic to freak me out but I'm ready to fight this in court if that's what it comes down to.

Honestly, I don't think any of the stuff that she may have--if she was smart enough to save any of the stuff I put up before it was deleted--that whatever she has will only prove that was was instigating things with her, but not suggest that I am of a bad mental state.

Since I've cut all contact with her, I may not even go on with the restraining order. Unless she finds a new way to contact me & threaten me and whatnot.

Straight up real honest answer: Do you think I'm being a drama whore over all this shit with Tiffany?

Honestly, if you know me, you know I really hate drama & I try to avoid it as much as possible. This whole situation is just...ugh! I'd really rather just have both our numbers changed, have hers blocked on both our phones & drop all connections/ties to her out of both of our lives completely. But I'm not sure what to do! He's so focused on this little mission of his to make her feel as shitty as she made him feel in the past that any time I try to talk to him about it & explain why I'd much rather have her just completely dropped out of both our lives, it just blows up into this huge stupid fight. And I'd rather the situation be out in the open where I know what's going on instead of like it was before when he was sneaking around and lying about it. So I just dunno what the fuck to do!

Well, let's see... It's been a REALLY fucking long time since I've been on here. According to my last entry's date, it's been over a year! I guess you could say that life just sort of took over for awhile. I'm not even gonna try to catch you up on everything that's happened between the last time I posted & now, cause that'd take way too long. I'll give you some cliff notes, tho. And an update on the most recent situation...

( The Catch Up Game )

I think that pretty much covers everything big and major that's happened lately. Thanks!!! if you read through it all and comment :) Means a lot to me, really.

So, I haven't been around lately. I know, I suck. Life has surprisingly actually managed to get in the way of my internet time. I'm actually a little glad for that, considering it means I actually HAVE a life now. ahaha

Let's see...what's happened...?

♠ My best friend had her babies. They're amazingly cute! And she's an awesome mom so far :) They're almost a month old. Twins. 1 boy--Joseph "Joey" Blaine, 1 girl--Chloe Anne.

♠ I got back together with the most amazing boy ever. Yup. I swear I'm marring this boy. Only downside: Richard's been fucked over SO much by girls...he's got some trust issues, which we obviously gotta work through...but he's trying and he says stuff that sometimes makes me go "...baby, I'm not those other girls.." and I won't lie, sometimes it hurts a little cause he's grouping me with them, but I know it's just cause he's gonna work through it and I know he's trying and trying is better than nothing and we'll make it. I know it.

♠ I've been smoking pot like on a weekly basis. I think I need to cut that shit out for awhile. I'm thinkin about goin to this one job...and I dunno if they drug test you when you first start there, so...yeah... Anyone have any ideas?

♠ It's crazy. Day by day, it's all so slow, but looking back it all goes by so fast. I'm almost done with school (out on the 9th). I actually just finished one of my classes, took my final early and don't have to worry about it now. It's crazy.

♠ Me, my sis (Cris) & our 2 friends (Tisha & Tiffany) are all moving into a 2 bedroom apt. It's pretty kick ass. Cris gets one room, Tisha&Tiffany are sharing the other, and me? ahaha I'm rooming in the dining room, bitches! That's straight up baller right there. ahaha. Only thing I'll have to really deal with is people going through my room to the patio to smoke cigs (dunno why we won't just smoke in the apt...???)

I think that catches ya'll up on the most of it. At least all the big stuff.

So, I was at work on Saturday and my wallet got stolen...

Important contents: *40 bucks
*drivers license
*school ID
*debit card
*checking & savings account numbers
*social security card

Talk about shitty ass luck....

I closed my bank accounts this morning, about 20 minutes ago actually... so they can't do anything there, at least.

Mom's getting a copy of my birth certificate, with that I can get my license & hopefully figure something about my SSID...

Other than that, I'm pretty much good. I'm only in school for 2 more months. I'm not even gonna bother getting teh school ID. I never use it for anything. The only things you use it for are school events (which I don't go to) and checking out books from the library (which I don't do lol)

So yeah...aside from that.....not much else going on lately.

I finally got the tattoo I want totally planned. It's so kick ass.



It's not EXACTLY like that, but I can't draw, I have to get someone else to do it. I have a keychain that has the wings & font for the word I want that I'll with me when I get it done.

And before anyone assumes it... no. Chance is NOT a guy's name. I'm not retarted. Tattoos are forever and I'm not about to put some guy's name on me for all eternity. I mean chance as in taking chances.

And if you're wondering why I picked that... It's got meaning to me. I pretty much live my life one chance after another and I wouldn't change it for anything cause I wouldn't be me without taking chances.

Whether that makes sense to you or not, I don't care, it's perfect for me.

So anyway, what do you guys think? :)

So yeah, I've randomly thought: Being a stripper would be fun, if the place weren't trashy. tehe.

Too bad I can't dance. :( If I could move my hips, I'd have it made. Cause I could totally get over the confidence thing for that kinda money, dude... and plus, my confidence is only downed cause I want smaller thighs & a flatter stomach and I could fix that, right? Hell, it might even boost with that kinda job ;)

Anyone else ever consider that? haha

I've realized recently I have like...no priorities in life any more. I don't know what I want out of life, seriously.

I know I want to write a book & get it published, but I've never managed to finish a book.

Other than that...all I know about what I want out of life is to get out of this town. I don't even know what I want to do career-wise. I've been in school long enough by now that I should know. Hell, if It'd been a straight-shot, I'd almost be DONE with school by now, if I just knew what the hell I wanna do.

I mean, I want something better out of my life. I don't want to just spend my life working at fast food joints or as a waitress or something... But I don't know WHAT to do with my life...

I think...I'm gonna finish out this semester, then stop going to school for awhile. Just work a job, pay off my car, get an apt with my sister, and try to figure something out about my life.

I'm not going to rehab. But I've had a personal revolution basically. I'm still gonna get my shit straight. I'm just not gonna pay out my ass for it.

Well, I talked to my stepdad. He took it pretty cool. He said he's not gonna say anything to my mom or my grandmother for now.

I gotta talk to the finanical aid here at school and see if it's gonna affect my grant or anything. He seems sorta supportive, like...if it's what I really think I need. But at the same time, he said "If it's gonna mess your school up...you're gonna have to suck it up and quit on your own." which...uhm...no? Cause that didn't work... :\

Like they don't even know the whole story. All they know that I've done is ex & pot. Cause before when I moved to Dallas, that's what I got into. And they don't know all the other shit I've done since I've moved back home... and I'm probably never gonna tell them that.

I'll be straight up with the people at rehab, but they gotta keep that shit confidential, right? So yeah. I mean, I'll tell them about it all cause they gotta know anyhow.

( Drug Use Time Line )



Seems kinda odd that my use got WORSE when I moved back home, AWAY from the girl that got me started into all of this in the first place...

The person I've become.

So...yeah...I was fucked up for 4 days straight. Pot, ecstacy, four bars, loratabs. Thursday doesn't exist for me at all. I went from Wednesday straight to Friday. I spent money I don't have, done drugs I don't remember getting, and was pretty much 100% GONE from Wednesday through Sat. night. Oh and at several points yesterday, I wanted to die.

I've pretty much come down to the decision that the ex tabs we had were METH based. Which is something I was DEFINITELY not expecting. I expected speed-based. And yeah, I was talking to some friends and judging on things I know and etc..and pretty much I think it was meth. I was paranoid as fuck and it was so not fun. The paranoia started Sat @ about 5pm and lasted til Sun @ about 11 am. talk about suckage.

But yeah...So pretty much all that shit has made me decide...I really need rehab. Pot will be the easiest thing to give up, cause it's not that big a deal for me anyway. It's gonna be the ex and the pills that're gonna be hard to give away....

I'm scared shitless. My sis is being pretty chill right now, but I'm scared about what my parents might do. I don't wanna hear my grandmother talk shit. I don't want my parents to flip shit. I hope they don't kick me out. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I guess I'll find out.