So, I haven't been around lately. I know, I suck. Life has surprisingly actually managed to get in the way of my internet time. I'm actually a little glad for that, considering it means I actually HAVE a life now. ahaha

Let's see...what's happened...?

♠ My best friend had her babies. They're amazingly cute! And she's an awesome mom so far :) They're almost a month old. Twins. 1 boy--Joseph "Joey" Blaine, 1 girl--Chloe Anne.

♠ I got back together with the most amazing boy ever. Yup. I swear I'm marring this boy. Only downside: Richard's been fucked over SO much by girls...he's got some trust issues, which we obviously gotta work through...but he's trying and he says stuff that sometimes makes me go "...baby, I'm not those other girls.." and I won't lie, sometimes it hurts a little cause he's grouping me with them, but I know it's just cause he's gonna work through it and I know he's trying and trying is better than nothing and we'll make it. I know it.

♠ I've been smoking pot like on a weekly basis. I think I need to cut that shit out for awhile. I'm thinkin about goin to this one job...and I dunno if they drug test you when you first start there, so...yeah... Anyone have any ideas?

♠ It's crazy. Day by day, it's all so slow, but looking back it all goes by so fast. I'm almost done with school (out on the 9th). I actually just finished one of my classes, took my final early and don't have to worry about it now. It's crazy.

♠ Me, my sis (Cris) & our 2 friends (Tisha & Tiffany) are all moving into a 2 bedroom apt. It's pretty kick ass. Cris gets one room, Tisha&Tiffany are sharing the other, and me? ahaha I'm rooming in the dining room, bitches! That's straight up baller right there. ahaha. Only thing I'll have to really deal with is people going through my room to the patio to smoke cigs (dunno why we won't just smoke in the apt...???)

I think that catches ya'll up on the most of it. At least all the big stuff.

So, I was at work on Saturday and my wallet got stolen...

Important contents: *40 bucks
*drivers license
*school ID
*debit card
*checking & savings account numbers
*social security card

Talk about shitty ass luck....

I closed my bank accounts this morning, about 20 minutes ago actually... so they can't do anything there, at least.

Mom's getting a copy of my birth certificate, with that I can get my license & hopefully figure something about my SSID...

Other than that, I'm pretty much good. I'm only in school for 2 more months. I'm not even gonna bother getting teh school ID. I never use it for anything. The only things you use it for are school events (which I don't go to) and checking out books from the library (which I don't do lol)

So yeah...aside from that.....not much else going on lately.

I finally got the tattoo I want totally planned. It's so kick ass.



It's not EXACTLY like that, but I can't draw, I have to get someone else to do it. I have a keychain that has the wings & font for the word I want that I'll with me when I get it done.

And before anyone assumes it... no. Chance is NOT a guy's name. I'm not retarted. Tattoos are forever and I'm not about to put some guy's name on me for all eternity. I mean chance as in taking chances.

And if you're wondering why I picked that... It's got meaning to me. I pretty much live my life one chance after another and I wouldn't change it for anything cause I wouldn't be me without taking chances.

Whether that makes sense to you or not, I don't care, it's perfect for me.

So anyway, what do you guys think? :)

So yeah, I've randomly thought: Being a stripper would be fun, if the place weren't trashy. tehe.

Too bad I can't dance. :( If I could move my hips, I'd have it made. Cause I could totally get over the confidence thing for that kinda money, dude... and plus, my confidence is only downed cause I want smaller thighs & a flatter stomach and I could fix that, right? Hell, it might even boost with that kinda job ;)

Anyone else ever consider that? haha

I've realized recently I have like...no priorities in life any more. I don't know what I want out of life, seriously.

I know I want to write a book & get it published, but I've never managed to finish a book.

Other than that...all I know about what I want out of life is to get out of this town. I don't even know what I want to do career-wise. I've been in school long enough by now that I should know. Hell, if It'd been a straight-shot, I'd almost be DONE with school by now, if I just knew what the hell I wanna do.

I mean, I want something better out of my life. I don't want to just spend my life working at fast food joints or as a waitress or something... But I don't know WHAT to do with my life...

I think...I'm gonna finish out this semester, then stop going to school for awhile. Just work a job, pay off my car, get an apt with my sister, and try to figure something out about my life.

I'm not going to rehab. But I've had a personal revolution basically. I'm still gonna get my shit straight. I'm just not gonna pay out my ass for it.

Well, I talked to my stepdad. He took it pretty cool. He said he's not gonna say anything to my mom or my grandmother for now.

I gotta talk to the finanical aid here at school and see if it's gonna affect my grant or anything. He seems sorta supportive, like...if it's what I really think I need. But at the same time, he said "If it's gonna mess your school up...you're gonna have to suck it up and quit on your own." which...uhm...no? Cause that didn't work... :\

Like they don't even know the whole story. All they know that I've done is ex & pot. Cause before when I moved to Dallas, that's what I got into. And they don't know all the other shit I've done since I've moved back home... and I'm probably never gonna tell them that.

I'll be straight up with the people at rehab, but they gotta keep that shit confidential, right? So yeah. I mean, I'll tell them about it all cause they gotta know anyhow.

( Drug Use Time Line )



Seems kinda odd that my use got WORSE when I moved back home, AWAY from the girl that got me started into all of this in the first place...

The person I've become.

So...yeah...I was fucked up for 4 days straight. Pot, ecstacy, four bars, loratabs. Thursday doesn't exist for me at all. I went from Wednesday straight to Friday. I spent money I don't have, done drugs I don't remember getting, and was pretty much 100% GONE from Wednesday through Sat. night. Oh and at several points yesterday, I wanted to die.

I've pretty much come down to the decision that the ex tabs we had were METH based. Which is something I was DEFINITELY not expecting. I expected speed-based. And yeah, I was talking to some friends and judging on things I know and etc..and pretty much I think it was meth. I was paranoid as fuck and it was so not fun. The paranoia started Sat @ about 5pm and lasted til Sun @ about 11 am. talk about suckage.

But yeah...So pretty much all that shit has made me decide...I really need rehab. Pot will be the easiest thing to give up, cause it's not that big a deal for me anyway. It's gonna be the ex and the pills that're gonna be hard to give away....

I'm scared shitless. My sis is being pretty chill right now, but I'm scared about what my parents might do. I don't wanna hear my grandmother talk shit. I don't want my parents to flip shit. I hope they don't kick me out. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I guess I'll find out.

Well, for once in what seems like a horribly long time, I am happy again. And let me tell you, it's the most amazing feeling ever.

What's the cause of this sudden happiness? Getting back with my ex-boyfriend, Richard. He's simply the most amazing guy ever.

( I love how I feel when I'm with Richard...and the more I think of it, I was never in love with Jack... )

"Never give up on your dreams no matter how long it takes for them to come true"

People say this all the time.... I wish I still had dreams to not give up on...

I have to get out of this house, this town, this go-nowhere-be-nothing setting. It's the worst thing in the universe for me. Cause all I want right now is to go back to what I was doing last summer. And that's not what I need. ANd it's not what I'm acting on. It's just really something I feel like I want because NOW all I do is worry and the "I don't give a FUCK" feeling I had THEN was amazing, even if it wasn't a constant feeling. I like not worrying. It's....relaxing? But I need to find a new way to do it. Popping pills won't get me anywhere in life.

I just feel like I'm at a complete loss right now. I have no direction or purpose. No reason or worth. No ambitions or dreams. I still want to get a book published...but I don't feel about anything like I used to. Nothing is really any sort of priority right now. Except not being alone and getting out of this town. Neither of which are happening right now.

I'm just at a really FUCKED UP place in my life right now. I mean, I wanna go back to that time in my life where everything was better back when I was rolling all the time.

So, I've kinda been toying with the idea, once I get some money behind me, of maybe dealing some. Just ex tabs, nothing big. But yeah. Just something for some extra money, maybe... I've done it once, when I bought a 50 pack. Had $190 in the first night. It was amazing. I could do it again. But I'm not sure if I want to? I dunno. We'll see, I guess.

And I'm not even talking like becoming a big dealer or doing it all the time. Like I said, probably occasionally, when I have the money, just to make a little extra money. Though, gotta admit, I could get a lot of money in this town with it. Hardly anyone ever has ex around here, so I could probably sell for $15-20 at cheapest. :)

And if I could get a 50 pack at the price I got before (3 bills), if I sold 40 (I'm keeping at least 10 for myself haha) at 15 that'd be $300 profit, and if I could sell 40 @ 20, that'd be $500 profit. Shit. I am definitely gonna have to consider this, if I can find a reliable person to get tabs from myself.

So, I think my life is better with drugs than without. I know that sounds completely horrible & stupid & whatever, but I think it's the truth, plain & simple.

Before drugs, I was sorta happy... in a way. But not the sort of happy I want to be. The kind of happy I always wished for. It was..."Okay, everything sucks and I'm gonna make it work" happy and...I don't like that.

With drugs, I'm 100% completely happy. It's a whole new world. Everything's so different and it's pretty much amazing. And honestly, it's not just "Drugs" in general. It's ecstacy. That shit makes me the happiest person in the world. And it's not just when I'm on it. I don't have that depression come down that I hear a lot of people get from ex, I just feel chill and like I don't give a fuck. And not giving a fuck is a pretty nice feeling, if I do say so myself.

I worry SO much ALL the time. That's why I like ex. It just makes me happy and everything amazing when I'm on it and when I'm off, I don't care. And if you really understood how much I worry and freak out and shit, you'd understand how awesome it is to just not care for awhile.

I definitely want this back again.
Just wait til I really get rollin' in some money.
Tabs, here I come.

P.S. sorry for updating a billion times today.

This is just my list of things to do in the near future....

*Get a new phone - mine is gone. not sure what happened, it just decided to hate me. When I tried to plug it in, it said "Unable to charge" and that was that. Oh well, mom's paying me back for the radiator ($187 and something), so with that + about 85 bucks from checks over the next few weeks... I'll have This phone And when my parents' 2 year contract ends, I'm breaking off their plan and getting my own.

*Pay off my car - Should be done by August/September. Thank god. That's $280 more a month that I'll have to save/pay bills/play with/etc... :D

*Finish school - Even though I think school is stupid & I'd honestly rather just quit (I'm actually skipping today, as I type), I know I need to finish so I can be certified and blahblahblah. All I'm gonna do is be a bookkeeper and it's not like this is my passion. It's just a job. I'll be done by Summer of '09. I keep telling myself that as long as I can get through this, everything will be okay. After this, I can do whatever I want. Live wherever I want. Talk to/hang out with/be friends with anyone I want. I keep telling myself everything will be perfect after this...

Well, we all know I've been thinking about talking to someone about depression/anxiety.
I was on This site and they had a test about depression.


This was my result.

They didn't have one for anxiety, but eh. I'm pretty sure the panic attacks are proof enough for that.

Well, my middle man called me last night and tells me he can get me 13 four bars for 40. Right as I was getting those, my other middle man calls me and says he can get me footballs for 2 a piece! How awesome is that? haha

Well, I DID get the 13 fourbars. No footballs, though. The guy they were gonna get them from changed the price on them 2 or 3 times and they called it out to be bullshit. Thankfully, mah friends ain't gonan rip me off :D

Gave one to my sis and one to the guy that was gonna hook me up with the footballs and I took one last night. It hit my sis in no time. And probably Nathan too. I felt pretty chilled and relaxed. Little buzzed. It was pretty cool. Definitely worth it.

I just took one now and I'll probably take another one at work.

Cassidy told me next time Ihave something, I gotta share. But dude... she gave me hydrocodne, yeah, but it was 2 pills for $5. And I gave her the last of my weed free. I'm not gonna give her any of my pretty little pills without some cash, which I doubt she'll go for.

Not to mention, yeah, I'm taking some of these recreationally, but after the one I might pop at work today, I'm gonna save the rest so I can take them when I start a panic attack. They kick in pretty quick, so we'll see if they'll work. If they do...well, then I won't mind paying for a script. But if they aren't gonna help, I don't wanna pay out my ass for one, ya know?

I still need to get around to finding out where I need to go to talk to a doctor about getting tested for that stuff. Blah. I hate feeling like I need medication to be normal. Seriously. wtf? Oh well. I'll have benzos prescribed :D

Well, I've come to an...interesting realization last night.

I want to go back to dating dealers.

Weird, right? I dunno. It's just....things are easier when I can get fucked up on a somewhat steady basis, kinda whenever I want. And I'm also tired of unreliable middle men. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but if I have to go through you to get to your guy, it shouldn't be that hard to if your guy is that unreliable, well, he's a pretty shitty dealer anyway and why do I wanna make deals with him if he's that shitty?

I mean, I don't want to date a big hardcore sells to everyone and everything, is in & out of jail every few months kinda dealer. I wanna date a smaller scale dealer, but not so small that nothing is at our fingertips. I like pot, benzos, ex and I might do some coke very rarely. So as long as I can get to that relatively easily, I think I'd be all right. I'm mostly into the ex & benzos, so those are usually pretty simple to get, most of the time.

But yeah, I mean, I loveloveLOVED my homegirl's old dealer. He was amazing. His shit was always good and he was a one stop shop. You name it, he had it or he could get it. And he was reliable. I miss reliablity. I guess you tend to be more reliable in a big city than you are in a small town. Damn small town life. Fuck that shit. I need to move back to the city.

Anyway...yeah. Just kinda a weird realization I had the other night. I wanna date a dealer again. You may think I'm crazy, but whatever. I really don't give a fuck. I've come to accept that even though dealers/addicts/drugs were the sole part of my life for 4-5 months that it's taken over and it's just part of me now. If you can't accept that, then maybe you shouldn't talk to me.

But yeah. I've accepted that I'm fucked up beyond repair. I know there are people that can have drugs in their life for a small time and drop it all with no problem. But I'm not one of those people. It was there, constantly, for almost half a year. And it was amazing. It made my life interesting. And I just liked it, in general. I want to go back to it. And believe me, when I get out of this shitty town, I probably will. But this time, I can be a little more responsible with it.

Point is: I wanna date a dealer. They're almost always hot as fuck, and plus they're interesting people in general.

Okay, what the hell? This is a really random thing I just realized as I'm sitting here texting with a friend..

Normally: I have no sexual interest whatsoever.

There have been two, count them, 2! times I've been sexualy interested in anything.
I would have easily let Grant or Zack (ESPECIALLY Zack) fuck the shit out of me in a heartbeat.

Ironic part?
Both drug addicts.

What's up with that?